"She can't carry on but her nimble fingers still feel the cold"
7 Comments Published by H on 06 July 2007 at 8:45 PM.
Things I have learnt this month:
- Despite having a leaked copy for a few months now, the Siobhan Donaghy album is marvellous. Even more so when it's accompanied by gorgeous artwork (courtesy of the dark genius of Floria Sigismondi) and the ever elusive lyrics of Ghosts. I cannot lie to you dear readers, I am somewhat disappointed that one of the lyrics is: "Phwoar so spirit smother me in" but really I shouldn't complain when it also includes other lyrical gems such as: "Fuel full fat her glass of milk". But anyway, all this doesn't detract of her status as a Sacred Cow of Pop and judging from the album booklet, even Siobhan herself is aware of her own canonization:
- Despite my ongoing reservations about hairdressers, I decided to get my hair cut again. It was reaching ridiculous Rapunzel-esque proportions and I have a rule about waist length hair being unacceptable on anyone older than 9. Needless to say, I should have trusted my instincts and left well alone because it's been a month since The Cut and only now am I growing to like my hair again. For a long month, on a good day it felt like a wig and on a bad day it felt like a cheap wig of a pre-op male to female transsexual. Spot the difference:
- It's nice to see that Mutya's record label are wise enough to realise that Song 4 Mutya has "Stomper of the Summer" tattooed across it (which considering the Mighty Buena's involvement is probably in a classy place like it's upper thigh or strategically placed above it's heaving bosom. Ahem, I seem to have wandered off track somewhat.) So, like much of the Popjustice readership, I am still wondering why the promo video is so flat:
At least she scrubs up nice in the video. Unlike the alternative version that she's promoting on her website:
A prime example of why popstrels should not be let loose with Microsoft PowerPoint.
Popjustice ran an article today on alternative treatments for the Song 4 Mutya video. The winning entry adheres to one of the Cardinal Rule of Pop Greatness, "Thou shalt have multiple popstrels with the use of fancy CGI" (see also: Kylie "Come Into My World, Rachel Stevens "Negotiate With Love" etc.) To this end, I would like to see a video with multiple Mutyas exacting various revenge scenarios on her ex-boyfriend and his new floozy, one of which could have a shoddy 'festival' setting, thus bringing the whole thing full circle.
- I discovered this page today, thecustard.tv's list of new and upcoming programming for the year. Some of it reads scarily like TV Go Home, selected lowlights include:
- 12 Angry Celebrities ITV1 – Reality show in which celebrities act as the jury in a fictional murder trial.
- Bonekickers BBC1 – Drama about archaeologists written by Ashley Pharoah and Matthew Graham, of Life On Mars fame.
- The Calais Rules 2007 BBC2 – Sitcom featuring badly behaved BBC foreign correspondents, written by journalists Tira Shubart and Sandra Jones with Jon Rolph – producer of French & Saunders. (This has more than a whiff of "The White Van" in "Adrian Mole & The Cappucino Years")
- The Clock Is Ticking BBC1 Saturday night game show fronted by Dick & Dom (Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood) in which contestants sit in a room with no clock. When they emerge, they have to guess how much time is left to win a cash prize.(Just when you thought television quiz shows couldn't get any more heart-palpitatingly, thrillingly suspenseful...they don't.)
- DanceX Saturday 14 July 2007, BBC1 – Saturday evening reality TV show hosted by Ben Shephard to find a new dance troupe like 1980s sensations Hot Gossip. Strictly Come Dancing judges Arlene Phillips, who choreographed Hot Gossip for their appearances on Kenny Everett's ITV shows, and Bruno Tonioli will compete to create the best troupe.
- Delia Smith's Apprentice BBC – In the planning stages, the cookery queen is set to appear in a series in which she picks an apprentice from a group of hopefuls. (We can but hope that Sir Alan's catchphrase, "You're fired" is given a somewhat more literal interpretation in this version.)
- Dickinson's Real Deal 2007, ITV1 – Seventy more editions of David Dickinson's antiques challenge. (Seventy??)
- Dumped 2007, Channel 4 – Reality show in which 10 people go to live on Britain's biggest rubbish dump and learn to live a comfortable life on recycled materials. (Again, we can only hope that this synopsis is not merely badly phrased and the contestants actually have to find a comfortable position on which to sit on a pile of recycled materials for a prolonged amount of time.)
- Food Poker BBC2 – Series combining poker and cookery in which two chefs compete against each other to win ingredients for a dish by playing cards before a member of the studio audience picks the best creation.
Clearly, the void in my life that has been left by Doctor Who and Any Dream Will Do is set to yawn through to next year. Thank goodness I have two seasons of The West Wing that I've not yet viewed to see me through.
- Despite having a leaked copy for a few months now, the Siobhan Donaghy album is marvellous. Even more so when it's accompanied by gorgeous artwork (courtesy of the dark genius of Floria Sigismondi) and the ever elusive lyrics of Ghosts. I cannot lie to you dear readers, I am somewhat disappointed that one of the lyrics is: "Phwoar so spirit smother me in" but really I shouldn't complain when it also includes other lyrical gems such as: "Fuel full fat her glass of milk". But anyway, all this doesn't detract of her status as a Sacred Cow of Pop and judging from the album booklet, even Siobhan herself is aware of her own canonization:
- Despite my ongoing reservations about hairdressers, I decided to get my hair cut again. It was reaching ridiculous Rapunzel-esque proportions and I have a rule about waist length hair being unacceptable on anyone older than 9. Needless to say, I should have trusted my instincts and left well alone because it's been a month since The Cut and only now am I growing to like my hair again. For a long month, on a good day it felt like a wig and on a bad day it felt like a cheap wig of a pre-op male to female transsexual. Spot the difference:
- It's nice to see that Mutya's record label are wise enough to realise that Song 4 Mutya has "Stomper of the Summer" tattooed across it (which considering the Mighty Buena's involvement is probably in a classy place like it's upper thigh or strategically placed above it's heaving bosom. Ahem, I seem to have wandered off track somewhat.) So, like much of the Popjustice readership, I am still wondering why the promo video is so flat:
At least she scrubs up nice in the video. Unlike the alternative version that she's promoting on her website:
A prime example of why popstrels should not be let loose with Microsoft PowerPoint.
Popjustice ran an article today on alternative treatments for the Song 4 Mutya video. The winning entry adheres to one of the Cardinal Rule of Pop Greatness, "Thou shalt have multiple popstrels with the use of fancy CGI" (see also: Kylie "Come Into My World, Rachel Stevens "Negotiate With Love" etc.) To this end, I would like to see a video with multiple Mutyas exacting various revenge scenarios on her ex-boyfriend and his new floozy, one of which could have a shoddy 'festival' setting, thus bringing the whole thing full circle.
- I discovered this page today, thecustard.tv's list of new and upcoming programming for the year. Some of it reads scarily like TV Go Home, selected lowlights include:
- 12 Angry Celebrities ITV1 – Reality show in which celebrities act as the jury in a fictional murder trial.
- Bonekickers BBC1 – Drama about archaeologists written by Ashley Pharoah and Matthew Graham, of Life On Mars fame.
- The Calais Rules 2007 BBC2 – Sitcom featuring badly behaved BBC foreign correspondents, written by journalists Tira Shubart and Sandra Jones with Jon Rolph – producer of French & Saunders. (This has more than a whiff of "The White Van" in "Adrian Mole & The Cappucino Years")
- The Clock Is Ticking BBC1 Saturday night game show fronted by Dick & Dom (Richard McCourt and Dominic Wood) in which contestants sit in a room with no clock. When they emerge, they have to guess how much time is left to win a cash prize.(Just when you thought television quiz shows couldn't get any more heart-palpitatingly, thrillingly suspenseful...they don't.)
- DanceX Saturday 14 July 2007, BBC1 – Saturday evening reality TV show hosted by Ben Shephard to find a new dance troupe like 1980s sensations Hot Gossip. Strictly Come Dancing judges Arlene Phillips, who choreographed Hot Gossip for their appearances on Kenny Everett's ITV shows, and Bruno Tonioli will compete to create the best troupe.
- Delia Smith's Apprentice BBC – In the planning stages, the cookery queen is set to appear in a series in which she picks an apprentice from a group of hopefuls. (We can but hope that Sir Alan's catchphrase, "You're fired" is given a somewhat more literal interpretation in this version.)
- Dickinson's Real Deal 2007, ITV1 – Seventy more editions of David Dickinson's antiques challenge. (Seventy??)
- Dumped 2007, Channel 4 – Reality show in which 10 people go to live on Britain's biggest rubbish dump and learn to live a comfortable life on recycled materials. (Again, we can only hope that this synopsis is not merely badly phrased and the contestants actually have to find a comfortable position on which to sit on a pile of recycled materials for a prolonged amount of time.)
- Food Poker BBC2 – Series combining poker and cookery in which two chefs compete against each other to win ingredients for a dish by playing cards before a member of the studio audience picks the best creation.
Clearly, the void in my life that has been left by Doctor Who and Any Dream Will Do is set to yawn through to next year. Thank goodness I have two seasons of The West Wing that I've not yet viewed to see me through.
Woo! I was ashamed to comment on yr last entry after the comment-mixup. Is the "full fat milk" / "Sacred Cow of Pop" a deliberate Donaghy pun?
How dare you try and censor me! First no kinky/Mungo/Sir Tom Jones, then no Sewell/sex? I'm sure Brian Sewell was very attractive as a young man, when he didn't open his mouth. I shall respond to your censorship with fan fic about Martha's mother and the Face of Boe. Or possibly cat-Ardal O'Hanlon and a Dalek Pig Slave, thus:
"Mmmm, I love it when you run your rough sandpapery tongue up into the corner of my pointed ear."
"And I love to twirl your tail around my furry finger."
"Look, I've had pigtens!"
"They're very small."
"No, they're just far away."
Your haircut doesn't make you look like a transsexual. But I think if I was your mother I'd tell you to get it out of your eyes and let people see your face. I've now started to speculate on what I'd do if I was Martha Jones's mother, which is a little worrying.
More work for Baddiel, after the dire "Heresy"? Does he now consider the fact that Jane Austen wrote Northanger Abbey to be a controversial opinion and have ten minutes of debate with Victoria Coren and David Mitchell about whether it's true?
Daisy Goodwin is an idiot. The Observer was testing her science knowledge the other day, which is also the only time in history I'll be smarter than Will Self. Yay for my obscure Scottish qualification in physics!
The alternative Mutya video is very 1990. I think her video should feature her hoop earrings growing ever larger, with monkeys, parrots, and small children swinging off them. But I'm not down with fashion. Failing that, her car should grow to enormous proportions and she should drive all over London crushing ex-boyfriends and tall buildings. In a non-terroristy way, obviously.
I'm sure Bruce Willis does have a craft. But I expect it's a sort of giant truck which turns into an airship or submarine, rather than anything involving acting. Surely William Hague should play Bruce Willis in his life story. Or Telly Savalas, depending on how old the film will go on to. Though I'm not sure what Bruce's life story would involve, other than the excitement of watching him romance Demi Moore.
It seems Avril Lavigne is responding to her plagiarism lawsuit by listing lots of songs that contain the word "Hey". Surely a top-five potential there; she correctly named Hey You Get Off Of My Cloud by the Stones and Hey Little Girl I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend by the Ramones. But fortunately she omitted "Hey good-looking what you got cooking", "Hey Hey we're the Monkees", "Hey Hey My My Rock and Roll Will Never Die", and "Na na na na hey hey kiss him goodbye".
All fan-fic is supposed to make you feel queasy. That's its point, kittens or not.
I can't move because the fly of my trousers is broken.
How are you surviving Life Without Who? (I'm not sure a quiz show involving Dick and Dom and a room without any clocks in it could quite match the excitement, although many's the happy hour I've spent playing guess what time it is, generally when unable to sleep. I could also invent a far better show called Dumped. It would probably involve women pretending to dump their boyfriend, and seeing which man was reduced the quickest to sitting at home eating takeaway pizzas in his underwear while watching Bruce Willis DVDs, before the girl turns up again and decides if she should take him back. The winner gets a wedding in Vegas. The loser gets a wedding in Vegas to Britney Spears.)
Also one should add Hey Mickey, Betty Boo's Hey DJ, and Jonathan Richman's Hey There Little Insect, bien sur.
Avril should change the lyrics to "Hey Nonny Nonny, I could be your girlfriend" to avoid legal action. And film a new video with jousting rather than miniature golf. Though she might get sued by Shakespeare. (I did think of more songs, but best to quit soon.)
I hope you get good celebrities for Millionaire, not just David Dickerson and his wife or John McCririck or someone of that ilk. I also hope you don't get Jeff Brazier or the show would only last about 2 minutes. And be sure to cough a lot if someone you don't like is playing. It's the guaranteed way to fame and fortune!
You can text me about unrelated topics at 8pm Mondays while I'm watching University Challenge, if you like. Or just to be rude about the students thereon.
The thing I mentioned about my trousers was really just a cry of despair. And so that you knew that if I never emailed you again, it was because I'd died at my desk rather than risk exposing myself. Anyway, I made it home.
This is Dr Who weekend on UKTV Drama so assuming you have it (and assuming I can find it on my program guide) it might be a slight release from unWhodom. Including Paul McGann.
I really like her, please no words against her
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