missprint

282 Responses to “"Did you ever think that loving would mean nothing more than walking me home? No, no..."”

1. #  Anonymous July 23, 2007 12:32 PM

   I've no idea what a Death Eater(ess) is, but that looks like a great solution to all your haircut nightmares.
   
   Ew, leaky pistons; perhaps you should pen your own chat-up guide for immortal-but-unchoosy men trying to romance Welsh martians. "Hi do you know the stardate?" "Um, no!" "It's me!" Or "Do you orbit the sun in a belt of rocky objects between Mars and Jupiter? Because you look like an 'ass to ride' to me!"
   
   I too appear to have a far too keen interest in musicals; last night I was the only person in the pub to know the name of the recent Frankie Valli/Four Seasons musical. (Well, I like Frankie Valli.)
   
   That's a great man-robbing-bank-disguised-as-tree story. Although from the photo it just looks like he's standing behind a pot plant. The bank was in Elm Street! I preferred this similar news story.
   
   Ah, so it was Lord Byron's menagerie that won over the ladies. I'm sure I could find a heron somewhere around to steal, and peacocks can't be hard to catch. He does seem to have been very fond of dogs as well. Though the fact that he was once played on film by Hugh Grant suggests that while possibly cute, he was not actually very dangerous to know. Having a pet badger is just creepy (unless you're Paris Hilton, who can cavort with any woodland creature she chooses because you could probably tell her a badger was a special sort of dog that really really liked to dig holes) (I wonder if Byron found his pet badger lying at the side of a road run over by a passing carriage.)
   
   While trying to find if Hugh Grant had any exotic pets (he seems like a dog person) I came across this. "Hugh Grant makes dogs go wild". And a bear once attempted to hump his leg. Maybe Hugh is a reincarnation of Lord Byron, and therefore should be playing Dr Who forthwith.
   
   Kate Nash really shouldn't give interviews. Or at least she should stop saying "Oh my god" and "I was like 'aaaaarghh'" quite so often. Does the "whatevah" set refer to verbal incoherence?
   
   Michael Bay should clearly direct the next Harry Potter film. None of the HP movies have featured giant robots slamming through motorway flyovers (though I admit I've not seen OotP yet.) Plus he's better at product placement than the current TV commercials for Harry and Hermione interactive wands. Or if you don't want to go with giant robots trashing an entire city [or Will Smith trashing an entire city], I don't think Ingmar Bergman's dead yet, HP in the style of the Seventh Seal would be oddly compelling and mysterious (maybe he's holding out for the more atheistic Philip Pullman franchise). And half the people in Bergman films can't act anyway.
   
   (Pecker's mildly amusing, and has a cute Christina Ricci performance, but I wouldn't put it on a list of must-see films. But Cry-Baby and Hairspray are must-sees.)
   
   I do sometimes feel that by commenting so often and at such length, I may be scaring off other people from commenting on yr blog; if so I apologise.  

2. #  Anonymous July 24, 2007 11:24 AM

   The Transformers product placement was stupid. Exciting close-ups on tacky-looking (huge, outdated) memory card, woo! And I wonder if many people are going to buy the featured cars because they think they will change into robots. Such people should probably not be allowed to drive. Also, it's incredibly disappointing that they never destroyed the Hoover Dam.
   
   It does serve you right for calling your car Eugene. You're never going to be able to cruise down the street looking cool if your car is called Eugene. Maybe it could transform into a Portaloo. Or you could change its name to Gene Hunt.
   
   (If I have offended your car, I apologise. But, tcch!)
   
   So Jordan is calling her new baby Tiaamii (presumably pronounced Timmy in a South Park style); "she had considered calling the girl Tinkerbell, but rejected the idea because too many celebrities had chosen it for their dogs." And Jordan cannot tell the difference between a baby and a chihuahua.
   
   I never saw Heroes on cable because I was away when it started and it would have been far too complicated to record it or anything. So now I've heard lots of American people describing it in minute detail, and then slightly fewer British people describing it in minute detail. I wish I had an exciting, principled reason.
   
   Inspired by Sexy!? No, No, No....! I was trying to compile a list of top songs with lots of Noes in them, but after 2 Unlimited, Robbie's No Regrets and J J Barrie's No Charge (by some distance the worst number one in UK chart history), I don't think the omens are good.
   
   Researching pet nut-gatherers, some web pages say Elizabeth Taylor had a pet squirrel, but most well-informed sources insist it was a chipmunk (called Nibbles). I'm sure she would have romanced Lord Byron if both had been around at the same time, as well as exchanging pet-care information. Although if pets make a man sexy, does this mean Noah was the greatest lover of all time?
   
   I bet you do jazz hands in your sleep.  

3. #  Anonymous July 25, 2007 3:15 PM

   I'm sure if you called your car something cooler, like Foxx du Santiago, it would rapidly transform into a selection of giant robots. And then carry you around the streets of SE London on its shoulder.
   
   That seagull is a fine example of good Scottish spirit. The seagulls in Aberdeen are evil, and very hungry. Though in recent years the gulls have been deprived of their usual food source, black bin bags, so I guess they must take desperate measures. I'm surprised they are not eating babies.
   
   Patrick Wolf should stop with the thieving magpies and write a song "Seagull, was it you who stole the Doritos?" And Marianne Faithfull could recount urban myths involving snack-foods. It would be perfect.
   
   You are truly the expert on product placement! I'm totally unable to spot a blusher compact, let alone identify who manufactured it. But nonetheless techie girls should not be wearing blusher/powder/etc, maybe just some oddly-coloured lipstick, but that's it.
   
   I'm wondering if it would be very cruel to send in a series of requests for The Spice Girls to play in Baghdad, Timbuktu, or Aberdeen. They say you can vote for where they should play on their comeback tour, but they do not promise to go there. Hopefully this means they are planning to do more dates, and not that nobody wants to go see them in London.
   
   Hasn't somebody already made a film about the ark (not Evan Almighty)? Hopefully climaxing in the brontosauruses farting too much, and Noah hefting them overboard during a fierce storm. And God knows what the unicorns did to offend him. I'd rather have Ben Stiller than Brad Pitt as the patriarch, though. And Luke Wilson as God.
   
   As for No No No songs, I've an inexplicable dislike for Bob Marley (well not entirely inexplicable, partly due to the million idiotic stoners listening to his music). I did forget about "You Don't Love me (No No No)" but I'm not sure who did the best version of it.  

4. #  Anonymous July 26, 2007 10:35 PM

   You should start some sort of SE London League of Fashion/Makeup Spotters. You could march into the centre of London's posh shopping district and terrorise people with your sharp eyes, before retreating to the sunny south London to compare notes and scorecards. Surely Hermione can do better than Gap though, it's one thing when she's just a kid in a hoodie but now she's a young lady she should be shopping in Top Shop. I guess she's too posh for Primark. I have not seen OotP, so if there is a legitimate plot reason for it I apologise (e.g. she is a big fan of Reality Bites).
   
   The people at the Apple Genius bar may look cute, but they're not techies. They've just been hypnotised into thinking they're geeks. Ask them a succession of recreational maths problems and they will stare at you dimly before calling security. Go on, what's the general formula for a pyramidal number? Prove it by induction, dweeb! (Apple makes me violent.)
   
   When did the Spice Girls appear on elephants? Is that true? Were they actually in the studio? Did the elephants crap on Andi Peters' head*? Are you sure they weren't donkeys? Is it really etched on your memory as some sort of defining moment kindling your interest in the wonders of pop music and the sincere belief that with enough musical talent and knowledge, you too could be a mahout? Tell me all! And one day, I will buy you an elephant!
   
   I do think you need to experiment with changing your car's name just for a few days. See what happens, if it does indeed run off and join some fun-loving but insubstantial Brazilian indie band, or starts talking about pimps and hos while lowering its suspension till you've got moles on your windscreen.
   
   Is Eugene a reference to (a) Pink Floyd ("Careful with that axe, Eugene") (b) Half Man Half Biscuit ("Careful with that spliff Eugene, it causes condensation") (c) possibly-before-you-were-born video game Manic Miner (d) American socialist politician Eugene Victor Debs (e) Eugene Kelly of horribly-named pop band Eugenius and even-more-horribly-named other band The Vaselines, or (f) something else that you've probably told me but I've forgotten.
   
   *I'm struggling to think of late-1990s TOTP presenters, but he was in there somewhere? Or Toby Anstis would work too.  

5. #  Anonymous July 27, 2007 11:26 AM

   I did indeed discover your friendless profile online. Normally I would offer to friend you, or I would invite you, or whatever, but it seems a shame to disturb you. (But I guess you could always say "deny", which is always fun.) (In fairness I did find another person I used to know who had no friends except the default bloke, who really doesn't count, but she'd not been on there since 2004.)
   
   The Guardian seems to have discovered another exciting new musical movement, nu-gazing. I can hardly wait to listen.
   
   Will you give me a refund if I don't like Hairspray? I'm not sure if I'll have time to fit that in as well as possible Simpsons/Bergman/Brando. Maybe the Simpsons movie includes parodies of the Seventh Seal, Last Tango, and Hairspray, so I wouldn't need to see anything else.
   
   I'm sorry that I doubted your Spice Girls memory. Though I'm also sorry they didn't drop elephant turd on Andi Peters' head. I think everybody goes through a phase of taping things off Top of the Pops. My sister had a Take That tape.
   
   I already knew you were an Apple person, so I'm not going to hit you over it, or blame you for ruining Mitchell and Webb (in fairness, Robert Webb always was a tosser, and David Mitchell's still as ridiculous as ever). My computer is black and ugly, like my soul.
   
   Apparently the thing to do with baked beans is to put them in your tights and then put the tights on. I'm told it's very popular on the internet. I'm not sure if this quite counts as sex. Though getting in baths of them also still seems common. I admit, actual intercourse is difficult.
   
   Ah, I forgot about Eugene in Grease. I'm glad it's not a Pink Floyd reference, because then I really would have to transform your car into something. (Eddie Deezen who played Eugene seems to be mainly a voice actor now in cartoons, which is nice.) I also forgot about Eugene Levy in my list of notable Eugenes.
   
   I see Hairspray the musical is coming to London in October. Will you be queuing up? I was slightly thinking of being in town that month to see alt-country maven Jim "If Jesus Drove A Motor Home" White in fashionable Kilburn, but I'm not sure (especially as the musical will feature neither Travolta nor Divine).  

6. #  Anonymous July 30, 2007 11:07 AM

   Well I'm not converted to the charms of Travolta however he's dressed, but I won't demand a refund of my ticket price. Since everyone else was excellent. (I wonder how they fill the fat suit on stage?)
   
   I did notice you had lots of Hairspray musical goodness on your last.fm (I had to check up and make sure you weren't listening to any Tom Jones or Hugh Grant); it's always hard to know with a musical soundtrack whether it would have the same effect without a girl dancing through city streets and being flashed at.
   
   I'm sure the Bratz movie will indeed be rubbish (although I was a bit unimpressed by Mean Girls, so I don't care if they rip it off); and I'm certainly disappointed that they've not found 4 actresses with gigantic heads to star in it. That would be awesome. The Bratz TV show, which I saw about 5 minutes of once, used CGI to replicate the freaky dolls as they talked constantly about shopping, becoming one of the most strange and disturbing things on TV (cf Jimmy Neutron Boy Genius). As long as the movie has plastic dogs, I'll be happy. (I was offered a child to take to it, but since the majority of people I know will kill me if I watch it, I'll probably wait till it comes on the littler screen. Plus I don't actually want to have to put up with children.)
   
   I'm slightly put off hearing Neil Gaiman is behind Stardust; I've not read any of his works, but he kind of seems to be excessively pointlessly quirky and obsessed with stupid names and bad puns. But maybe I'm being unfair (I'm not sure about the forthcoming Beowulf which he also wrote, which seems as if it could be incredibly bad: Angelina Jolie and Ray Winstone together at last!). But how can you not want to see a film featuring Dexter Fletcher as "skinny pirate"!? Possibly Charlie Cox should be called a young Ben Chaplin, not a poor man's Ben Chaplin, since I'm sure Cox is getting more money for Stardust than Chaplin earned lately. Still, he wasn't terrible in Game On. Although Chaplin's replacement in Game On, Neil Stuke, has actually been in better movies.
   
   I think I'm going to have to go back to watching indie movies about members of the Gyllenhaal family being miserable and middle-aged Japanese women failing to cope with changing business environments, though, coz I seem to have run out of summer blockbusters. And Ratatouille makes me feel icky.
   
   So I take it you'd rather be Captain Jack than the Doctor? STIs aren't a problem if you're immortal! (NOTE TO STRANGERS READING THIS COMMENT: I AM NOT IMPLYING ANYTHING ABOUT MISSPRINT(E).)
   
   3 million people have registered for the Spice Girls tour!? Damn, I was hoping it'd just be me and a variety of oddly-named spice babies in the audience.
   
   (Incidentally I'm disappointed that Wikipedia doesn't feature a passionate debate on the correct spelling of Sexy! No! No? ...No! -;!### )  

7. #  Anonymous August 01, 2007 10:30 AM

   I really wish I worked in a place that leant out fake babies (or possibly even real babies). A baby-library. See how you say they come with the baby bump, does the baby fit inside the baby bump and then pop out the bottom? How come no photos of you with bump or baby? And obviously with a silly hat on simultaneously?
   
   I'll keep a look-out for free screenings of Bratz, but they'll probably only be advertised in Sugar magazine, so I'm not getting my hopes up. But it features Avril's Girlfriend in the trailer! How can it not be brilliant? Would you rather I went to see Firehouse Dog?
   
   To be fair, I'm sure it would be much nicer to make big luuurve with Jessica Stephenson than to boink a thousand random aliens. Though I bet the Doctor will be romancing Kylie too in her sexy maid uniform.
   
   Did you hear about Paris Hilton's new film role in a sci-fi musical? I was very worried when I first read the article because I thought it was going to be on stage and I'd have to fly to New York or Los Angeles (or Hamburg) to watch it (because I would seriously consider that). But, yay. How improbable can her career get? Surely nobody would give them money to make such a film? I bet she'd do Doctor Who if they asked. She and Jack could have an intergalactic skank-off.
   
   I may now be forced to read Neil Gaiman books just so I know how to look at buttons.  

8. #  Anonymous August 02, 2007 9:25 AM

   You didn't "borrow" the fake baby to use mother and baby parking at the supermarket, or anything like that?
   
   I would definitely say go to Hairspray rather than Chicago. Aside from the fact that Chicago's staged frequently (it's not David Hasselhoff still doing it, I hope?) while Hairspray's likely to vanish without trace, I think Chicago's kind of overrated. Even with Kelly Osbourne. Now if they had Kelly Clarkson as well, and maybe Kelly Rowland, Matthew Kelly, Gene Kelly, and Lorraine Kelly. But probably not Kelly Brook. And what about Desperately Seeking Susan?
   
   You could send me a copy of Coraline but I'm not sure how you'd force someone to read a book. I can't even force myself to read books. Tie me to a chair and read it to me? Although that wouldn't technically be forcing *me* to read it. Though guilt is always a powerful mechanism. Maybe you could lock me in a prison cell with it. And possibly Kelly Osbourne. And also some cream buns, if these photos represent any kind of (psychological) truth/prediction/desire (I think they photoshopped her head onto the wrong character's body.)
   
   In fairness, Coraline has to be more interesting than what I'm reading now. The biography of anyone who turns to Catholicism in later life is not going to have an exciting ending, especially if they were previously a decadent bohemian and occasional satanist. (The Life of J-K Huysmans.)
   
   I don't know, there probably are more eligible single girls than guys. But they are all hiding. Or in London. Or too busy. Or something. (Maybe the men are all in Aberdeen or somewhere macho/oily like that.) (I may actually finally get around to doing evening courses this autumn. Probably not cookery though.) Surely there must be 3 or 4 eligible single men in London who don't wear skinny jeans or work as currency traders? I'm sure you could find someone somewhere. I guess that's one thing where the fake baby (or fake bump) would not be so useful.
   
   Sadly, I don't see how the Doctor's going to avoid sexing up Kylie. Although maybe she'll be in love with a Leonardo di Caprio type who will die tragically. Actually, and even if this sounds nasty it isn't really, but I'd pay good money to watch fictional Kylie drowning in a maid's uniform. It would be rich in pathos. Especially if Tears on my Pillow played as the water rose to the level of her head. And then Can't Get You Out Of My Head as her brain slowly flooded, and waves lapped inside her eyeballs.
   
   I hope when you see Joseph the mechanical camel rampages and tramples several coach-loads of American tourists in the stalls. (Actually judging from this review maybe I should go see it as well. Belching camel? Nipple tassles? "a bit like an Argos version of Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut"? Yay!)
   
   I'd probably go see firehouse dog if I had free tickets. At least if I had a suitable disguise.  

9. #  Anonymous August 03, 2007 4:57 PM

   I take it you'll be putting Rent at the top of your list of musicals to see, then? Even though the Team America World Police "Everybody's Got AIDS" parody means that surely nobody can take Rent seriously ever again. Does this mean that nobody's bought Donaghy's new album?
   
   I've not actually read We Need To Talk About Kevin so I should probably refrain from insulting Lionel Shriver, but at the same time (a) she's written a book about snooker and (b) she's called Lionel.
   
   You should inquire more closely at your local Primark to uncover the SE London ferret-baiting league and find what times they meet there for vicious dog-on-ferret, ferret-on-ferret, and ferret-on-security-guard combat.
   
   The review of Joseph does make it sound significantly better than I would have thought; it's the sort of musical I imagine as being put on by amateur groups and schools one step up from a nativity play, so it's hard to imagine it as a proper expensive spectacular.
   
   Dan Radcliffe is desperately trying to be an adult. But he's still got 2 Harry Potter films to make. Maybe after that he can go and become a serious hairy person or become a scientist like Natalie Portman and Mayim "Blossom" Bialik.
   
   Gaby Roslin as a tough prison boss-woman? Seems very implausible. At least Kelly Osbourne looks like she could push your face into a steam-press and scar you for life, or whatever they used to do in Prisoner: Cell Block H.
   
   I saw the James Nesbitt story and it's truly appalling. We do not need a Doctor who's answer to every problem is to consult the Yellow Pages. I think they should try and get Cillian Murphy, who has (a) experience playing a scientist (b) weirdness (c) cheekbones and (d) transvestitism. I'm not sure if (d) is entirely relevant, but it would add an extra string to his bow. But I wonder if this is true, as Nesbitt really isn't sexy for the kids, and surely they should be facing calls to get a Doctor who's female or from some other minority group. What's Tricky doing these days?
   
   I did just see something on an interweb mongboard saying that someone else had posted on another interweb mongboard that Moffatt had said the Sun story was pure fantasy. The same thread also included the (entirely unsubstantiated) suggestion of Rhys Ifans, who would actually make sense being (a) weird-looking (b) quite funny and (c) Welsh, which is probably an advantage, even if Ifans has never played a character called Kitten.
   
   I hope Mickey is coming back, but as the article says, he cannot return without Rose!!!! Ah, I'd recently got over my sadness at the ending of Who, though this was mainly at the expense of feeling sad that there is no more Buffy.  

10. #  Anonymous August 04, 2007 12:39 PM

    We all know your opinions on brooding gothic timelords! I think Cillian would certainly be intense and piercing, but hopefully not so much of the brooding and more of the complex scientific experiments, inner drivenness, and throwing Catherine Tate into the heart of the sun. Repeatedly. (I guess they've already ripped off Sunshine once, though. So they'd HAVE to copy Breakfast on Pluto.) Sadly, I think it's unlikely. (Guy Pearce is a similar, but even less probable, idea.)
    
    I really don't get Nesbitt's popularity. It can't just be the accent, surely, or Ian Paisley would be a sex god (I guess his religion would preclude groupies, though.) Maybe he has a certain needs-mothering quality.
    
    Or the often-touted Hugh Grant with his sonic baked beans and Liz Hurley as an assistant having her clothes regularly ripped to shreds by yetis? Maybe not. Surely a Welsh Doctor is the natural choice? What about Nicky Wire?
    
    Although based on the casting of John Barrowman (and come to think of it Reggie Yates), I wouldn't rule out Dominic Wood, mildly disturbing as it might be. I was checking who else has been in Russell T Davies things in the past: Peter O'Toole? Mark Heap? Alan Davies (too obvious)? Aidan Gillen from Queer as Folk (would be interesting)? But Moffatt has worked with Jack Davenport and Welsh idiot Richard Coyle in Coupling. Ick.
    
    Siobhan D certainly does look like an underfed bohemian, so I'm sure she'll be good in Rent. Is there a musical of Hans Christian Andersen's Little Match Girl? I'd love to see her in that. Or even The Little Mermaid. She does look like a fairy tale character.
    
    I still think Hairspray sounds the musical choice of the coming year, even if I'd like to see Kelly O singing "When You're Good To Mama". *shamefully admits to formerly having a crush on her*
    
    Though I do note that this Christmas features the ultimate musical extravaganza: Disney's High School Musical On Ice (at the O2 Dome). Well, I was looking for something different to do at Xmas this year...
    
    A friend of mine just described Daniel Radcliffe as "the famous child-star version of the boy I've gone to school with all my life who keeps fluctuating between silly and able-to-melt-my-pants-with-one-look". Which I would know nothing about. On the other hand, the story of Kipling losing his son in World War One and changing from a gung-ho patriot to a sad and broken man is one of my favourite episodes in British literary history, so I do hope they do it justice. (being ITV, somehow I doubt they will.)
    
    I think Lionel Shriver just wanted to write the first major novel about snooker.  

11. #  Anonymous August 04, 2007 12:40 PM

    (I think if I have anything else to say to you and you haven't updated yr blog, I will email. It's only fair to Blogspot.)  

12. #  Anonymous August 13, 2007 1:38 PM

    I liked Order of the Phoenix but I couldn't help think how much better a film I could have made with that under-used cast if I hadn't had to follow that plot!
    I was disappointed by Deathly Hallows and hated the sickly end bit but it was alright. Realistically, it could never has been as good as I was hoping for.
    
    Pecker is alright as it features not only Christina Ricci but Lili Taylor who I will watch in anything. If, God forbid, she appeared in a Steven Seagal film, I would even watch that.
    I want to see Hairspray at some point but I'm not entirely sure I want to shell out much money to see it. That rules out the cinema. Allison Janney, though... I haven't seen the original either so I have nothing to compare it with.
    
    P.S. Hello!  

13. #  Anonymous August 14, 2007 1:04 PM

    The Pete Waterman article was hilariously pompous and wrong. I'm still thinking the Sheila's Wheels recording thing is a joke promoted by the insurance company to get more publicity (the same as their invention of stilettos with folding heels to wear while driving). Though PWL's website pwl-empire.com seems serious. The Sheilas aren't really as attractive as the stars of Priscilla.
    
    I can sort of understand why people like Powter's Bad Day, even though I hate it personally, but many people have a very literal approach to music and will want to listen to a song about bad days after having a bad day. In contradiction to Pete, I think the advert that Bad Day was in actually made me like the song slightly more, but it does sound like its natural home should be an advertising jingle for some mildly-embarrassing hygiene product in any case. Stick to the trains, Pete, or try and get Steps to reunite.
    
    Yes, I have to confess I've not been a member of a library for a very long time. I used to live quite close to the central lending library in Edinburgh which actually had some decent books, but that was long ago, and generally I have enough trouble finding the books I want to read in bookshops or Amazon let alone in libraries. Plus I need to support my friend who works in Blackwells. And I'm sure with fines libraries would work out nearly as expensive (though my sister seems to be an expert in getting around library fines; she used to read books for a living when she worked in a photo shop with no customers and now she's unemployed). I guess I should show support for the numerous people I know involved in the library industry. Sorry, libraries, I apologise for my absence!
    
    And don't worry I'm not going to be reading Jacqueline Wilson books. Although I did watch Tracy Beaker on TV once. Ick. It's no Byker Grove. I am getting a bit fed up with huge immensely depressing novels set in post-apocalyptic landscapes or wartime or about people with severe mental problems or marching (it's The Trick Is To Keep Breathing, The Accidental, EL Doctorow's The March, or The Radetzsky March in my unread pile). So I need more lighter books. I refuse to read any Richard and Judy books ever. Actually, I did read Moondust the book about the Apollo astronauts which had a R&J sticker on the front, but it was a bit disappointing, so case proved.
    
    I'm hoping that Heroes will prove worth watching. I think Peter Petrelli's definitely my favourite character, though the cheerleader's interesting in a creepy way. Failing that, at least there's Mastermind. Someone was on with the specialist subject of the life and career of Jennifer Aniston last night; but she wasn't up on such classics as The Good Girl or Derailed, and shockingly there was no question about Office Space (though there was one about her appearance in South Park, yay). I actually know worrying amounts about Aniston from my time as a Friends obsessive.  

14. #  Anonymous August 15, 2007 11:34 PM

    Maybe you don't sing enough in public to get insured with Sheila's Wheels. I notice that Diamond also has a lot of singing. Do all women motorists burst into song? I hope you're not secretly a man.
    
    That Lily Allen tattoo looks so fake and crappy like it's been licked on from a transfer sheet. I'm not entirely sure what the hidden message is - maybe something about the necessity of communism to protect stupid bald men from themselves (see also: Keith Allen).
    
    Even if the automated cocktail maker was rubbish (and probably stupidly expensive) I hope you still got drunk on it purely for novelty value.
    
    Bah what's wrong with whimsicality? Although most of what I read is very dark too (as you can tell when I start praising Dostoyevsky's comedy value, I don't read many funny books). But this is clearly further evidence of your inner goth. Stargirl is very moral though. I did add Coraline to my Amazon wishlist (alongside The Dedalus Book of Russian Decadence: Perversity, Despair and Collapse), but I suppose you will be telling me to obtain it from a library. I have to buy myself everything on the wishlist myself anyway (in my defence, usually not from Amazon).
    
    Every time I look at your blog with the picture of you in that very fetching headscarf I imagine that you are still constantly forced to do cleaning at all hours in a never-escaping forth-bridge-painting-style cleaning nightmare. Until you post a picture of you with a party hat on I'll not be able to sleep easily.
    
    Because it's certainly not Britney Spears's lesbian sex romp that's stopping me sleeping. Ahem. She'll be tonguing sea lions next.  

15. #  Anonymous August 23, 2007 2:02 PM

    I'm not sure I'll be getting a button tattoo, but I admit I've not read the book yet. I guess I'll have to read Coraline before I decide on literature/library-related tattoos. Maybe I could get a "RENEWED" stamp over my heart to symbolise my reborn faith in love. Um. Or sew a button into my skin.
    
    I did find an online poll that had Davidson as the second-equal sexiest doctor (equal with Baker and Eccles, Tenno obv. top). And one friend of mine says he's in her top two sexiest Whos. Surely his delicate sensitive side wows the girls more than Chris's dimwitted leatherwearing.
    
    Sorry, Michelle McManus: I refuse to see a Christmas-themed show in August. I'm not in Australia. Maybe if it's really good I'll go down to London to see it in seasonal spectacular. But I refuse to believe the good reviews. Since most shows on the Fringe are only seen by people related to the cast, not all reviews are trustworthy.
    
    Ick, I'd not associated Ian Rankin and Ian Brown, but there's more in common than their names. Has Rankin ever threatened to cut an air stewardess's hands off? Or maybe Bonnie Greer's? If you put the two of them in a cage with a chimpanzee who'd end up picking whose fleas out?
    
    I feel cheated that Savage Garden's message of peace and love was just a lie. Darren Hayes in racial abuse arrest. Of all the former pop stars you'd expect to find in trouble with the law. Is he the male Jade Goody? Or at least the male Danielle Lloyd?
    
    Also, Mel Smith and Michael Ball instead of Christopher Walken and John Travolta? Surely Mel should be Edna not Wilbur? Still, my 20-yr-old sister's an obsessive Michael Ball fan and her friend is apparently a distant cousin of the musical legend, so maybe if I wish really hard I'll get a family trip to Hairspray, in addition to further conversations about Michael's inability to father children.
    
    PS: Write some blogginess! Preferably speculation on Paris Hilton's second album.  

16. #  Anonymous September 04, 2007 1:37 PM

    "U kunt HTML-tags gebruiken". I think blogger believes I am Dutch, and is not just insulting my web programming skills.
    
    Sorry, no button tattoos. I could draw buttons on my eyelids, for when I fall asleep at work, though I'm not very good at drawing with my eyes shut. Which is why my eyeliner is all smudged. Could I just get button-shaped spectacles? Maybe I could dress up as a beet-eating Russian Giant. I'm still not 100% convinced by the rehabilitation of Ian McShane as a proper actor. But I think he would be a good giant. I was thinking about how to film Coraline, and thought probably of live action for the normal scenes and CGI for the other house, but I'm not a huge stop motion fan (I know, I'm never going to be a goth if I don't adore the Nightmare Before Xmas). Still, if I don't have to look at Dakota Fanning, that's a positive.
    
    I'm now obsessed by finding a convincing way to tap my fingernails on my eyes, even if my eyes are not buttons. That is the pinnacle of creepiness.
    
    Clearly I need to live in an area with more yummy mummies with their wacky methods of expelling children from their loins. I'm very disappointed by the midwife who was unable to recognise a baby popping out. But maybe she was hypnotised: "This woman is spitting melons from her mimsy." "I'll get my baller." Or maybe it was really a poo and the hypnotised woman was confused.
    
    HypnoBirthing sounds brilliant. Especially if it's preceded by HypnoPregnancy and HypnoSex (which lots of "adult" stage hypnotists seem to do already). And followed by HypnoParenting. "You are pregnant... You are a mother... Your children hate you. You are feeling sleepy. Your children have put you in a home." I'm sure that if you change your mind about having children, you could get hypnotised and have a teenage son throwing empty beer cans at your head before you even noticed anything.
    
    I'm crying myself to sleep with the news of Doctor Who fading slowly away. If Buffy could do 22 episodes a year surely Doctor Who can manage the same thing. Hiatus? Tennantlessness? Lightweights! This never happened in the days of Tom Baker. Maybe they could have two separate actors playing Doctor Who. John and Joan Cusack alternating.
    
    But yay indeed for Alan Tudyk. Although I don't think I'll be going to see him in 3:10 From Yuma. A film about a train, that's not Under Siege 2?
    
    Woo, Mercury Music Prize result. I can hardly stay awake.  

17. #  Anonymous September 06, 2007 11:59 AM

    I'm not sure what is the best way to repel Madonna and her creepy filmmaking claws. Hanging crucifixes probably wouldn't work, as she'd just writhe all over them. Maybe you could pretend to be Sean Penn (just need dodgy facial hair, dodgy hairstyle, and to shout a lot and be intense and go on about Iraq). Does Madonna have any mortal enemies? Mary Magdalene? You could try taking pictures of her aged wizened visage.
    
    Are you saying that the Klaxon's cover of Not Over Yet isn't a radical piece of musical innovation? What could be more now and 2007 than covering an old rave anthem in a nu-rave style? Still, at least Arctic Monkeys didn't win this year. I think I threatened to stop buying music ever again if that happened.
    
    I like stop motion in some contexts (everybody likes Ray Harryhausen), but I don't like it for wirey Nightmare Before Christmas stuff, and it tends to be rather horrible when doing people, whether it's dolls, wire, or clay (other than Wallace of Wallace and Gromit fame). I'm not sure if Coraline is going to be done in a Nightmare style. The Life Aquatic does have nice sea-creatures, I must admit, though they don't look stop-motiony.
    
    So will you be queuing for tickets to David Tennant's Hamlet? Personally I don't think he'll be a very good Hamlet, but I realise this is controversial. Christopher Ecclestone would be a somewhat better Hamlet. (Hamlet is a whiny sullen upper-class slacker in his 30s who's never done a day's work in his life, like if Hugh Grant had an inner life; also I don't want to see Tennant doing excessive mother-love.)
    
    I'm glad the James Nesbitt thing is nonsense; I'd read people on an internet board saying it was made-up nonsense, but I just don't know who to believe (apart from you). Actually, Nesbitt probably wouldn't be a terrible Hamlet, aside from the fact that he can't act very well except when required to be gormless and cower on a kitchen worksurface.
    
    I still want a female Doctor Who, though. I don't understand all this "It wouldn't be in keeping with the character of the program". Having a young attractive Who is hardly in keeping with the traditions of William Hartnell et al. Maybe they could get Jonathan Rhys-Meyers to do a hermaphrodite Who.
    
    There was an "adult" hypnotist at the Edinburgh Fringe this year, called Tony Lee, who I didn't see but apparently he made people strip to their underwear and go outside the theatre, simulate sex, pretend to masturbate, etc. That's just wrong. Especially if it's true that the audience members doing these things secretly want to remove their clothes and wank on stage, and they're not the victims of evil mind control. Ick. I did once see a hypnotist at a cheesy nightclub who made someone take his trousers off.
    
    I think the German pyramid should be constructed so that once it's reached a certain height you can pull a brick out of the bottom and it all comes crashing down. That would be a suitable monument to the dead.
    
    Now I've got to go bail Jude Law out of jail, or something.  

18. #  Anonymous September 13, 2007 1:39 PM

    Tcch, get that name badge off. If you dress more like a librarian you won't need a name badge. Does your name badge have any helpful slogans like "Happy to furnish you with books"?
    
    I too was amazed and stunned by the slash fiction question. I wonder how many times they had to explain that to Jeremy Paxman. And the expression of the guy answering was a joy too. Clearly he wasn't a fan of Star Trek characters doing the wild thing. Though personally I can't really imagine who'd want Kirk and Spock to get it on. I guess I know a few women who find Spock attractive (someone I know used to have a blog called spocksex) but Kirk? I don't want to research it too much, and maybe it dates back to the days where your only hope of screen romance were them or Starsky and Hutch. Anyhoozle. It was certainly the talk of LiveJournal, and I'm sure it marks the legitimation of slash. Though for a more interesting question than just a guess-the-startrek-characters thing they could have asked which Harry Potter character has the most slash about him (apparently Severus Snape).
    
    It would probably be worse to be gently mauled by Madonna than to be savagely mauled, I imagine. You should make a film about her in your flat, or something. You could invite her to star in it. I don't think she has much quality control when it comes to what films to star in.
    
    I guess there are probably other actors better equipped to play a hermaphrodite Doctor - Cillian Murphy or Guy Pearce for instance, or even Terrence Stamp. Priscilla Queen of the Tardis. I can't help thinking that the expression "neither use nor ornament" would be better applied to Ecclestone's Who. I don't suppose the Jonathan Rhys-Meyers library would have many books in it. Maybe one with a mirror hidden inside the covers. But not many with words in. Have you got the designing of imaginary libraries to look forward to in your future?
    
    Half an hour ago driving back to work from my lunchbreak somebody who looked suspiciously like my old boss failed to understand the concept of lanes and cut in front of me at a roundabout. I really hope it wasn't my old boss.
    
    You should read Hamlet forthwith. It has much zaniness and tomfoolery and general excellence, as well as being possibly Shakespeare's most emo play. It's my favourite of his along with the similarly silly and bitter Troilus and Cressida (they date from a similar period, and I think he'd recently been dumped by some saucy wench and wasn't taking it well). Sadly most of the film versions are a bit crap. I've not seen the Branagh but I understand it has a gratuitous sex scene. Possibly better sticking with Rosencrantz and Gildenstern are Dead (which I have never seen/read).
    
    I feel culturally bereft having still not seen any of Britney's epochal MTV awards performance. Sigh. We love you, Britters!  

19. #  Anonymous September 14, 2007 10:47 AM

    I'm sorry that I questioned your cardigan-wearing and librarian-appearance. Do you also have on large spectacles, high-necked blouses, and long dark skirts? Because I don't think chain mail and masks are really appropriate dress for a librarian. Unless you work for the vatican.
    
    Alternative badge slogans: "Ask me about my Dewey code" "Ask me how to be quieter" "Happy to shhhh!" "Shut the fuck up you're in a library" "The Harry Potter's on shelf 123E"
    
    Do libraries come under "environment" or "housing"? I might speculate the latter.
    
    And did you know that the US Army employs 300 librarians?
    
    I conducted detailed research while in the office last night, and actually Draco Malfoy seems to be the king of HP slash fiction. By quite a considerable margin. I won't describe my full research methodology, but it involved extensive use of fanfiction.net's databases (handily indexed by both character and adultness). And Google. Though I still think Snape is the king of fan art.
    
    I'm actually amazed that fanfiction.net isn't blocked at work. Now I can read Saved By The Bell soft porn to my heart's content. If any exists, which I promise I don't know.
    
    There does seem to be some debate as to whether the creative writing courses will be full of angsty goths or elderly women writing historical romances. Did you write about rape, incest, violence, murder, and appalling crimes? I'm sure the blood and guts is all just an effort to appear more interesting and really they want to be writing children's stories about happy rabbits. (There is actually an evening class on writing children's fiction too, which The Other Edinburgh Diarylander is doing, but I'd be worried about getting put on the Child Protection Register or something).
    
    I guess Captain Jack could be seen as a fanfiction version of Kirk. A few years ago there was a scifi show on Channel 5 (where else?) called Lexx which did just consist of people (or love-bots) going to strange planets and having sex. I would tut-tut the whole space/shagging/slash thing, but I'm sure there's lots of good PhD proposals in there.
    
    I'm sure most people at creative writing classes really just write fanfiction and pretend to do elevated literature.
    
    This week's Heat magazine had an excellent feature on Paris Hilton's pets. I never knew that she tried to have her pet goat buried next to Marilyn Monroe.
    
    I guess the whole point of Ecclestone's Doctor was to be an empty space who would allow Rose to grow as a person and save the world a lot, while he stood around looking like an Easter Island statue. But lots of people like Easter Island statues.  

20. #  Anonymous September 16, 2007 7:01 PM

    Ha, so you're swayed by Tennant again. I think there are 2 or 3 basic situations when it's permissible to wear a mandigan: if you never button it up, or if you're in the 1950s, or maybe if you wear it under a suit (though in the last case you might prefer the sleeveless version, um). I can't find any photos of Jack Kerouac or William S Burroughs wearing one either, so it might all be a conspiracy to sell buttons.
    
    I've not bought a mandigan yet, but I'll have to see if I change my mind in the depths of a Scottish winter (actually, cardigans just aren't as warm as properly-necked sweaters).
    
    I'm pleased to hear you're not a typical librarian. Though I'm sure there's no such thing as a typical librarian. But I would guess that goths are overrepresented compared to in society at large.
    
    Ewww, I'd forgotten about the Screech sex tape (did I mention that one of my friends met Screech but he at no point invited her to take part in a 3 in a bed romp on video). I hope there isn't an Alan Rickman sex tape on the internet. Unless it features the line "You ask for a miracle, I give you the FBI!" Because quoting Die Hard never fails with the ladies.
    
    I'm sure being surrounded by strange looking small animals with no sense of shame has had an adverse effect on Paris Hilton. Although maybe she's a bad influence on her pets. I wonder what happened while she was in jail. Maybe her last act before imprisonment was to throw open the doors of her house and shout, "run free, my pretties!" Or maybe she turned them into a nice fur coat.
    
    Thank you for that insight into your inner life: a bit of suicide but mainly top five lists. I was looking at the syllabus for the creative writing course I was considering. It includes writing about personal experience AND haiku. Those who write haiku / should get a life or something / and stop counting shit. And I don't have any personal experiences.
    
    Speaking of which, where are your top fives? I'm currently working on 2 or 3 ideas, but none of them are yet extending to the magic number of five, and a top one of anything isn't quite so impressive. I've nearly got a top five songs featuring ridiculously extended double entendres, but they don't sound so funny written down.
    
    Do I get an award if I post 20 comments here? I was going to email you, but that's just much too complicated.
    
    Blogger won't let me enter a sarcastic comment in the "your web page" field. Bah.  

21. #  Anonymous September 19, 2007 4:56 PM

    I did throw the milk out weeks ago, I promise! I've had the photo for a while, deciding whether or not to post it, because it is disgusting. I don't generally drink milk, but I buy it if I think people are going to visit me, which happens not very often, and sometimes they don't even show up. Ah, tragic I know. Of course sometimes they get drunk on alcoholic beverages instead, so maybe it balances a little.
    
    How's the pompom-waving going? You could act out favourite scenes from Heroes and/or Bring It On.
    
    Give me a 4! Give me a 9! Give me a 3! Give me Non-Semitic Afro-Asiatic languages!
    
    Wow, I've actually been working today. I have got quite a knowledge of Japanese writing and pronunciation but still know no Japanese words except biiru, which means beer.
    
    Manik at the Diske is my new Jenny Diski tribute band. Enjoy our songs "Strangers on a Train", "Skating to Antarctica", and "A keen horseman with a new pair of green suede chaps is guaranteed to ride into the sunset".
    
    I checked your Last FM (mwahahaha!) and you're listening to other stuff not just Hairspray. Tcch. You could at least do a top five songs about hair/hair-care products. Or a top five featuring rats?  

22. #  Anonymous September 22, 2007 11:42 AM

    No you can't vote "It Depends". I need detailed rules on the wearing of mandigans. Not that I'm planning to wear one, but I want to have justification in criticising other people. And what could be more important than that?
    
    I don't actually know how to use a soldering iron, and there doesn't seem to be much soldering going on. These days it's all rather unimpressive because everything's very small, even the blobs of solder. I did take a picture of Japanese squidgy food stuff but it's not very exciting. I should probably have squished it first. I'll send you a recording of me speaking Japanese if you're really unlucky.
    
    The basic rule for Japanese is to stick "u" between every consonant if it's too complicated for Japanese lips, and then an "o" on the end, so I'm Sutuuaato or something like that. I have on my desk at work about 30 hours of recordings of Japanese students attempting to speak English, but I've not actually listened to them yet. I've also got about 1000 samples of Japanese people saying the names of Beatles songs while driving cars.
    
    Is Leona Lewis really worth listening to? At least you seem to be alternating Dreamgirls with Hairspray. I'll pretend to be Jack Black and abuse you if you like, though I am quite nice really. I can't quite remember what he judged to be acceptable music in High Fidelity, but just to be sure I'll ridicule everything except Tenacious D.
    
    I'm currently occupied in writing a Hugh Grant quiz on Facebook's Movies app thing. So you'll have to sign up under an assumed name and participate in that. If I can think of a more questions (Foolishly I called it the Huge Hugh Grant Quiz). I've already asked about his middle names. And I've not actually seen that many Hugh Grant films. Do you know any trivia about Mickey Blue Eyes?  

23. #  Anonymous October 19, 2007 4:17 PM

    Pfft. I'm sure you'd rather have fanfic about Anne Widdicombe than to be asking who I am crushing on. Especially if it rhymes. I'm a little disappointed that she has a website. She should have a special shed for carrier pigeons, or maybe a network of bonfires, to communicate her views to the nation. Either that or she should shut the hell up.
    
    Clearly it is your friends who should be trawling MySingleFriend.com not yourself. I'm sure there's lots of guys on there who look like Sylar or psychic-cop and maybe even a few junkie artists with dodgy hair. I can see the attraction of Peter Petrelli, and everybody likes a small Japanese man, but as for the rest of them... Do you like tramp Chris Ecclestone and his pigeons? I could grow a shit beard and be incredibly tetchy all the time. I've not shaved in 3 days and I'm pretty pissed off as it is. I draw the line at dressing like a tramp, though, and I don't like to steal women's purses. He could rob shops.
    
    Mr "beyond the boundaries of conventional relationships" probably just wants a girlfriend on the moon. I can sort of see the attraction in a trophy-wife way. "I've got a girlfriend on the moon and you don't ha ha ha!" "I'm so jealous, my girlfriend is in New Cross."
    
    None of my friends will do me on mysinglefriend.com. Which is probably quite a good thing. A friend is writing my facebook profile and so far has come up with "he is a 14 year old girl trapped in the body of a 30something man" and similar stuff that makes me sound way creepier than Mr Bennet or anybody else who works in the paper industry (which is a fairly creepy line of work. There is lots of mushy stuff and dirty water. Do you reckon he rolls around in the paper when nobody is looking?).
    
    I think Richard Curtis should write a romcom where two friends put each other on mysinglefriend, and secretly fall in love. It would be like You Got Mail, except without anguished debates on the bookselling industry. I wonder how many people have created fake friends to sign up there.
    
    PAXMAN: This does bring us to the troublesome question of the Widdiweb, Ann Widdecombe's own website.
    
    HUGO YOUNG: I haven't checked into that, actually.
    
    PAXMAN: I did check into it earlier. In fact we all did. Here's a sample page. It's her with her cats. "Goodness gracious, what is that? It's Mr Pugwash, my black cat. Goodness gracious, are there others? Yes, indeed, my cat Carruthers."
    
    Um. I so wish I could have heard Paxo say that. Even I would love him for that.  

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