missprint

So, last night was a reminder of why I'm not that keen on drinking. Up until yesterday, I was quite proud to declare that I've never been ill whilst drunk. I know that it's a familiar adage of the hungover but I'm serious, I'm never drinking again. Apart from the fact that I feel incredibly unsafe trying to get home at night in London at the best of times, try doing it whilst drunk, with sleazy men accosting you on every street corner; pushy illegal cab drivers and the horrors of night buses. I just remember that every minute whilst I was fall-down-flat drunk last night, I kept on thinking, "God, I hate this feeling" and then proceeded to spend the rest of the evening harassing bar staff for tap water every half an hour in a desperate attempt to sober up. It got to the point where the bartender didn't even need to ask, upon sighting me staggering towards the bar, a fresh glass of tap water was instantly produced.

Not only am I incredibly ashamed at my behaviour last night (goodness knows why I was attempting to persuade two middle-aged suits, one of which looked like the love child of Greggles of Quizmania and Brian from The League of Gentlemen, to go to the Waxy Little Sister in Soho) but extremely angry at the way a lot of men don't seem to understand how daunting young women find travelling home late at night. So boys, a couple of tips for you:

- If you are a cab driver, don't get all pissy when a potential fare asks to see your licence. Certainly don't find said potential fare later when they've found a more suitable cab and aggressively confront her about whether she thinks that he is capable of rape.
- I know a lot of men get annoyed about the way women get suspicious of any man walking behind them at night. It's not a personal thing, it's not that you have a shifty way about you. It's just fact, it is scary walking home alone, at night only to hear footsteps behind you. So do us a favour and cross the road. It's just a little thing that saves both of us a lot of worry.
- It should be common sense but judging from friends' and my own experience, grabbing is just a terrible idea. In fact, physical contact of any sort, no matter how jokey or charming you think you are being, is not endearing that total stranger at the bus stop to you.

Another thing I hate about getting drunk - I'm not one of those people who can fall asleep as soon as their head touches the pillow when drunk. I spent most of last night wide awake, head pounding, mouth arid and burning chest, worrying incessantly about whether to call in sick at work today (which as you can judge by the timing of this entry, I did) and whether I would possibly die in the night if I slept on my front. I finally dropped off at 4am after drinking half a litre of water and taking some ibuprofen, only to wake at 7:30am with my cat asleep on my face. Not to mention the rude interruption at around 6am when Sarah turned over and flung her leg violently into my face. And then stole the covers. At 7:30am, I gave up on the prospect of sleeping properly and started doing the laundry and went out to the newsagents to buy some bacon. Ah the wonder of television, I remember watching Brainiac a few weeks ago (partly because I have an embarassing crush on the diminuative Richard Hammond) and they were testing out hangover cures. In my sleep-deprived brain, I managed to dreg up some of the results of this test. The group who had a greasy breakfast and sugary drinks were the ones who perked up the most, the sugar gives your body a quick boost of energy and the reason for the post-drinking craving for junk food is to replace all the salt lost in your body when you've been drinking. Finally, a reason to justify my television addiction.

Anyway, on to cheerier (well, marginally) fare. It seems that listmania is taking over the PopJustice Forums with two of the recent topics being Songs That Could Be About Domestic Violence and Best Break-Up Song. I would tackle the domestic violence one but unfortunately I can only think of a few (Thank You by Jamelia and I'm sure that Christina Aguilera has probably got one in her repetoire as well. I was going to suggest Where The Wild Roses Grow by Nick Cave and Kylie but that's not so much about domestic violence as a murder ballad.) So, instead, I'm going to go for the less taxing option...

All Time Top Five Ten...Break-Up Songs

Ah, heartbreak, a staple of pop music. Where to start? Should the list be split between the immediate-post-break-up ballad or the two-week-epiphany angry grrl stomper? I decided to steer clear of the more obvious candidates such as any Mariah Carey track or Kelis' debut, Caught Out There (known by many, to my chagrin, as I Hate You So Much Right Now) With such a vast swathe of heartbreak ripping its way through pop music, I decided that a trawl through my iTunes was needed to inspire me. And then I remembered that generally my lists tend to include Girls Aloud if at all possible, so that was a good a place to start as any. However, five was just too restrictive, I couldn't do it. So I present to you dear readers, my All Time Top Ten Break Up Songs, where heartbreak never sounded so good.

One // Girls Aloud - Whole Lotta History
A track that many proclaim to be the modern day incarnation of All Saints' Never Ever but that's a somewhat erroneous description. Yes, they're both slinky pop classics about break-ups, they both have talky bits at the beginning and they both employ the heartache/girl group harmony combo but unsurprisingly, I think that the Girls Aloud track is far far superior. For one thing, it has a fabulous video (the amazingness of which is only added to by Nicola's surly response to her shots, "It's just not good") and for another, it has lyrics that don't quite make sense, yet you still understand what it's trying to get at. Sample: "I'm falling all around when you miss me." Also, any song that sounds like it could be the soundtrack to the last dance at a prom immediately garners my devotion. Who hasn't gone through that feeling of bewilderment and inferiority on discovering that an ex has a new girl?

Two // A Camp - I Can Buy You
As Xander in his infinate wisdom comments, "I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain." A Camp, for the uninitiated, is the solo project of Nina Persson, lead singer of The Cardigans. It doesn't really have anything in common with the more straightforward indie pop sensibility of The Cardigans. The A Camp album was produced by Mark Linkous of Sparklehorse and takes a diversion towards the wilds of country music with a little electro thrown in. I can't remember how I discovered this track but I just remember immediately falling in love with it and then forcing it on everyone in an attempt to convert the masses. It only worked on one person and it's inextricably associated with this person in my mind now which only adds to the wistful melancholy of the song: "A life of sanity and dignity you know it takes two / And what's the use of being a millionaire if I can't have you?"

Three // Romeo - Basement Jaxx feat. Kele le Roc
I would like to put forward a suggestion that the rightful successor to the Gloria Gaynor disco-heartbreak throne is this track. Okay, so it's not disco as we know it, no kitschy wah-wah guitars but it's infectiously danceable (especially the Magnificent Romeo remix, found on the The Singles (Special Edition) which boasts a giant bassline and a Spiller-esque drum introduction.) I included this on a break-up CD for a friend of mine because it's just so joyous, I wanted to let her know that as horrible as she felt at the moment, it would get better and unfeasible as it seems at the time, she would be able to carry on: "'Cos you left me laying there with a broken heart / Staring through a deep cold void alone in the dark / And I miss your warmth in the morning / And the laughter when I can't stop yawning / Cos the tears on the pillow have dried my dear / Gonna let it all go cos I have no fear."

Four // Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Ah, the obligatory angry-grrl entry on the list. As Kelis has been barred from the list, I turned to nearest angry popstrel, the lovely Kelly Clarkson. Breakaway offers a wealth of heartbreak songs, Since U Been Gone is disqualified due to it's lyrical similarity to Romeo and other break-up songs of the I-Will-Survive ilk. I was quite perturbed to find Because of You on many a Ultimate-Best-Romantic-Love-Song...EVER! type compilation. As any fool knows, Because of You is a song about parental divorce. What better way of saying, "I love you" than with a little marital complications? Anyway, getting back to Gone - it fills the criteria of angry-grrl break-up song merely on the basis of the extremely shouty chorus. But even better is the almost gleeful spitefulness of the lyrics: "There is nothing you can say / Sorry doesn't cut it babe / Take the hit and walk away / Cos I'm gone."

Five // Nothing Good About This Goodbye - Rachel Stevens
Ah which version to choose. This track was originally recorded by the lovely Alexis Strum and as much as I worship at the Altar of Strum, La Stevens just pips her to the post. There is something about Rachel Steven's emotionless delivery that suits the track, much in the same way that her vocally-vacant style suited the Richard X produced Some Girls, a track about ruthless wannabe popstrels who will do anything for fame. Also, the inclusion of a Natalie Imbruglia-esque guitar middle 8 means that Rachel's version just wins over Alexis's original. It is also possibly one of the most catchy and immediate pop songs that I have heard in years. I cannot implore you enough, gentle readers, to track this lost pop gem down. In fact, abandon reading the rest of this entry and go and find the song, it is that good.

Six // Emotions - Destiny's Child
Not only does this song appear on my All Time Top Five...Songs To Fall Asleep To but now it makes it onto my All Time Top Five...Break-Up Songs. Perhaps not one of Destiny's Child's better known tracks, I think it is possibly my favourite Destiny's Child song. I just adore the lush, swooping harmonies that accompany a uncharacteristically restrained performance from diva du jour, Beyonce.

Seven // Crazy For You - Madonna
I am a little too young for this song to be the soundtrack to adolescent heartache but it's inclusion in 13 Going On 30 reminds me why it is the ultimate song for teenagers, in the throes of hormonal angst, to listen to on repeat whilst clutching a tear-stained-sateen-heart-shaped cushion to their chests.

Eight // I Want You Back - Jackson 5
Ah, a sub-genre in the break-up song, the song that begs and pleads forgiveness from the beloved ex. This has been included for much for the same reasons as Romeo's inclusion on the list, the sheer danceability factor and the roaring joyfulness of the track. I don't know any girl that doesn't abandon her coveted spot on the obligatory battered leather sofas that have populated clubland in order dance around, arms aloft in the air, to this song.

Nine // Ace Reject - Sugababes
Ah, the Sugababes are connoisseurs of the break-up song, their songs run the spectrum from teenage heartache (New Year, "I'm older than my years / drowning in my tears / surrounded by the fears / since you went away a year ago / at Christmas") to the very moment that things fall apart (Conversation's Over, "I've found the strength to finally say it / what the walls have heard a thousand times") back around to declarations of independence (Hole In The Head 'Eleven hours on a brand new day / I'm getting ready to go out and play / it's late at night and I'm caught in a groove / I'll kiss my ass before I'm feeling blue") However, I have to choose Ace Reject simply because it is the best track that the Sugababes have produced. FACT. (Yes, I am even choosing it over the Sugababes V1.0 material.) It's not the most immediate of their tracks and it's not what you'd really expect of a Sugababes/Xenomania collaboration (i.e. not a massive electro-pop stomper). After a couple of listens however, it just becomes lodged in your brain and refuses to leave. It just captures perfectly the messiness of a break-up: "We break up and make it up / back and forth we never stop / everytime a change of heart / I can't keep up / When you say yes then I say no / When it turns hot we make it cold / There's still something bonding our souls together."

Ten // You Don't Have To Say You Love Me - Dusty Springfield
Ah, there's nothing like a good old fashioned torch song and as far as I'm concerned, no-one does it better than Dusty. This is just an epic, monster of a torch song, right from the start with the horns and the near apocalyptic sounding backing vocalists and then...Dusty comes in. She may start off sounding fragile and cracked but the sheer desperation of her pleas at the end of the song, "You don't have to stay forever, believe me, believe me, believe me" is enough to crack the hardest of hearts. What is more heartbreaking than unrequited love?

Phew. Well, as revived as I was when I started this entry, I find that being unfailingly enthusiastic about pop music has drained me of any new-found energy. I believe it is time for another bacon sandwich. I would be delighted to hear any suggestions for entries on today's All Time Top Five and also suggestions for a category for next week. As per usual, suggestions on a postcard please.