missprint

An extra long entry for you today dear readers, 10% extra poptastic goodness...gratis! I'm not sure why this entry is so long as I've done nothing but sleep and watch TV all day. I seem to be flamboyantly disregarding my self-imposed no-spending rule as I bought tickets for the Stella Film Festival in July. But I couldn't resist it, a summer Sunday spent in Greenwich Park (my favourite Royal park) drinking and watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off and then heading to Sean Rowley's Guilty Pleasures Goes To The Movies tent. Hoorah for hazy booze-fuelled 80s nostalgia!

Popstastic Bit

I've been meaning to talk about the Paris Hilton single, Stars Are Blind for a while now. Even though everything about the track shouldn't work (i.e. the general involvement of Paris Hilton; the resurrection of UB40-esque reggae-pop; the line, "I can make it nice or naughty" etc etc) I find that it has been on repeat quite a bit for the past few days. However, there are various reasons to love Stars Are Blind:

- The general involvement of Paris Hilton
- The album is called Paris Is Burning. AMAZING. Not only does this display a hitherto unseen wit but it also references a documentary about the 1980s New York Vogue-ing drag scene.
- The video features Paris frolicking about on a beach and flashing her misshapen ladygarden (see Heat this week) in a revealing silver dress:

- The track is the equivalent of this track is a Long Island Iced Tea: superficially sweet and boozy but deceptively addictive.

There's a lot of talk about Jessica Simpson's new track, A Public Affair which Popjustice have heralded as the 21st century version of Madonna's Holiday. I really wanted to love this track, it's summery and features a drum solo and the phrase "carte blanche" but it just doesn't detract from the fact that this is the Lidl version of Holiday. Let's not even get started on La Simpson's vacant expression which I've only just noticed because the first time I visited that page, I couldn't help staring at her chiffon-encased boobies which I had thrust at me.

Finally, Lily Allen's second single, Smile is out to buy on iTunes. Unfortunately, it's the radio edit which changes the line "When you first left me I was wanting more / but you were fucking that girl next door" to "doing that girl next door". Boo. Anyway, it's still as close to spiteful-post-break-up-revenge-pop-perfection as you can get so go and have a listen.

Survey Bit

It's been a while since I've done a survey. Poached from Stuart.

70 Questions to Start the Summer

1. Do you like someone?
There's someone I like the sound of at the moment but it's more curiosity than full-blown, wobbly-legs, chin-cupped-in-hand daydreaming crush status. Unfortunately, it seems as though Gary Barlow is the closest thing I have to a crush at the moment.

2. Do you hate more than 3 people?
L'horreur! I don't hate anyone. Well, this morning I did - I hated my friend's neighbour for being a cold-hearted, weasel-faced twat but I can't be bothered to waste any energy on hating him.

3. How many places have you lived in?
Only London and quite happily so. In fact, I can't imagine living anywhere other than London, particularly south-east London.

4. What is your favorite candy bar?
Rather surprisingly, given my sweet tooth and general greed, I'm not a fan of chocolate. The only time I buy chocolate is during hormone-induced dazes and then it tends to be whole nut Cadbury bars. Or Green & Black's if I'm feeling particularly extravagant and I want to comfort myself with the fact that it's organic and therefore not guilt-inducing.

5. What are your favorite shoes?
If we were judging this on the shoes that I wear most often, then it would be Converse. Really, my favourite shoes are my red patent wedges that I can't walk in. And the shoes that I most covet are the Marc Jacobs bottle-green sequinned Mary-Janes. So take from that what you will.

6. Have you ever tripped someone?
If only. I'm usually the person who ends up face on floor unfortunately.

7. What was your least favorite subject this year?
My Television & Cultural Change unit which sounded a lot sexier than it actually was.

8. What was your favorite subject this year?
Postmodern Literature. I find that dropping 'meta' and 'self-reflexive' into any sentance virtually guarantees that my answer is correct.

9. Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
Only My Prerogative: Greatest Hits which is neatly sandwiched in between Sugababes and The Strokes in my CD collection. I also don't like the sneery tone of this question; what respectable popophile's record collection would be complete without La Spears's oeuvre?

10. Have you ever thrown up in public?
No. (Except I'm lying.) I guess the first time I did it was through no fault of my own. I was 7 and had the flu and my mother insisted on dragging me out to the shops to run some errands. As all mothers are wont to do, she wrapped me up like a Christmas turkey and encased in ten thousand layers, I was left next to the Pick & Mix counter in Woolworth's feeling more than a little peaky. Unfortunately, I couldn't hold back the gushing torrent of sick that was rushing through my alimentary canal and I was sick in my snood. The second time was alcohol induced and shamefully recent. Let us speak of it no more.

11. Name something that's always on your mind.
The same as everyone else I guess. Food, pop music, television and sex.

12. What is your favorite music genre?
Girl-band, arms-aloft, glitter-ball electro-pop.

13. What's your sign?
Why does this survey feel like a particularly awkward date? Le sigh. Scorpio.

14. What time were you born?
Around 3:30pm. End of school time.

15. Do you like beer?
Eww, no. I'm a lady, I don't drink such neanderthal beverages.

16. Have you ever made a prank call?
Many a time. I always failed miserably at them when I was younger but as I've gotten older and better at lying, I've perfected the art.

17. What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
Well, I think that by most people's standards my whole record collection is a trawl through the bottom of the pop barrel with Hanson being a particularly low point. But I think that my large collection of Ooberman CDs is pretty cringeworthy. Fey indie-pop rubbish. What was I thinking?

18. Are you sarcastic?
When I was a teenager it was my default mode but I've realised that it's not very becoming and it comes across as a little nasty so I've stopped.

19. What are your favorite colors?
Again with the awkward date questions. You would think that it was pink but it isn't. When I was about 14 I was obsessed with purple and tried to compile an entirely purple wardrobe and even attempted to get people to nickname me 'Purple'. Thankfully that didn't catch on. Which is somewhat of a roundabout way of saying that I don't have a favourite colour.

21. Summer or winter?
Winter. Because it's nearer my birthday; Christmas is during winter; there's the slight possibility of snow; winter clothing is nicer and it gives me an excuse to stay at home watching TV in my bedsocks and duvet.

22. Spring or fall?
Both. Autumn boasts my birthday and spring has fluffy bunnies and bleeting sheep and cheap confectionary ahoy.

23. What is your favorite color to wear?
Like every other girl at the moment, green. The green section in my wardrobe has increased from nil to 10 items in the past 12 months.

24. Pepsi or Sprite?
Neither. They're both the short-pants karaoke version of Coca-Cola and 7-up respectively.

25. What color is your cell phone?
Hot pink. I'm a little ashamed to own the phone that Chantelle Houghton is flogging at the moment but it's so thin and teeny.

26. is blank? hmm?
Uh-oh awkward date awkward silence. I'll just take this opportunity to slope off to the toilet to powder my nose and send an SOS text.

27. Have you ever slapped someone?
Rather shamefully, yes. It was a complete stranger who was rewarded with my wrath after grabbing my arse. I have also been slapped and it left a rather comedy red hand print on my face. Obviously, it wasn't so comedy at the time.

28. Have you ever had a cavity?
When I was younger I had a fair few. I actually spent a large proportion of my formative years in the dentist. Hard as it is to believe (and please try not to split your sides at the mere thought) my problem was that my mouth wasn't big enough. So many an afternoon was spent in a sweaty cramped orthodontist's office having my mouth prodded with various wires.

29. How many lamps are in your bedroom?
Two. One on my desk and one next to my bed.

30. How many video games do you own?
Exactly four. I was considering selling my Nintendo SNES for which I only ever owned two games which were both Donkey Kong games. The other two were during my Gameboy Advance phase and one was a Harry Potter game and the other one was the excellent Yoshi's Island (which I still have yet to clock.)

31. What was your first pet?
It was a kitten called Lily. In retrospect, I was much too young for a kitten and it was taken away from me because I had a tendency to swing it round by its tail.

32. Have you ever had braces?
Yes, when I was 14. Rather oddly, only on the top row of my teeth.

33. Do looks matter?
Not really but unfortunately they kind of do. I find myself very much attracted to unconventional looking men and have in the past fallen for boys who aren't my type at all because (trite as it sounds) their personality did it for me. But I guess on a more basic level, physical attraction as a quick-quick-make-babies! mechanism make looks important.

34. Do you use Chapstick?
No. And neither should you. It just dries out your lips. Vasaline is the worst culprit for this. I am a slave to the transformative powers of Eve Lom's Kiss Mix, MAC Tinted Balm and Clinique Superbalm.

35. Name 3 teachers from your school.
Mr. Smith: my History teacher who used to spend the lessons talking to us about that week's episode of This Life. Mr. Turner: my Resistant Materials DT teacher who was the biggest oddball. He used to wear flamboyantly printed shirts (pink elephants etc), had a feather earring and claimed that he was a model for Jean-Paul Gautier in the past. He also had a "stomach ulcer" (read: nervous breakdown) and had to leave. Mr. Thomason: my art teacher who completely put me off art. He was Danish and had an unnerving way of wearing his trousers in a spectacularly low-slung way.

36. American Eagle or Abercrombie?
There's a difference between them?

37. Are you too forgiving?
Absolutely.

38. How many children do you want?
At the moment the answer is none and also for the forseeable future as I don't particularly get on well with children. However, I imagine that as I hit my late 20s the ticking of the dreaded biological clock will drown out any reason and common sense that I have held onto until now.

39. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
I own something from the Emily Strange line which is close enough.

40. What is your favorite breakfast?
I've recently taken a liking to Fitness which is like a wheatier and bigger-flake version of Special K.

41. Do you own a gun?
No. I must say, these aren't the kind of questions that I would associate with the beginning of summer. Or indeed any other season.

42. Have you ever thought you were in love?
Yes. Emphasis on the "thought".

43. When was the last time you cried?
I honestly can't remember. I'm not moved to tears particularly easily. Although I did get a little choked up during the finale of Never Forget on Saturday. Perhaps I shouldn't admit that.

44. What did you do 3 days ago?
It was Friday, so I had just gotten back from Eastern Europe a day before. I had a hectic schedule of sleeping only interrupted by laundry and packing in preparation for my weekend in Milton Keynes.

45. When was the last time you went to Olive Garden?
Er, never. Even with my penchant for eating whole tubs of olives at a time, the Olive Garden doesn't sound like a place I want to frequent.

46. Have you ever called your teacher mom?
As far as I can remember, no but it sounds like the kind of thing I might have done.

47. Have you ever been in a castle?
Never until my trip to Eastern Europe where I crammed a whole lifetime's worth of castles and palaces into 3 weeks. There was Wilanow Palace, Warsaw; Wawal Castle, Krakow; Bratislava Castle; the Royal Palace and Citadella in Budapest and Diocletian's Palace in Split.

48. What are your nicknames?
They don't bear repeating because I loathe them. But it's gotten past the point where I can repair any damage and even my friend's parents have taken to calling me by my Hateful Nickname. My PE teacher once forgot my name and called me "Naan" and that crops up occasionally much to the amusement of my friends.

49. Do you know anyone named Bertha?
No but I would love to. Mainly because I would nickname her Big Bertha.

50. Have you ever been to Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Yes. And almost always instantly regretted it afterwards.

51. Do you own something from Banana Republic?
No but I own a couple of things from Gap. I have no standards whatsoever. My boycott of Gap ended abruptly as soon as the accessories designer from Marc Jacobs moved to Gap.

52. Are you thinking about somebody right now?
Yes. But again not in that hubba-hubba-woof! kind of way.

53. Have you ever called someone Boo?
As in the sickening term of endearment? No. I've said "boo" to people in a childish manner.

54. Do you smoke?
No. When I was younger I tried to cultivate a smoking habit but I hated the taste too much to overcome it in order to look cool.

55. Do you own a diamond ring?
I don't own anything diamond. Mainly because I would promptly lose it.

56. Are you happy with your life right now?
Today not so much. I've spent too much time worrying about the scary future and mundane everyday things like money. But generally, I've nothing to worry about. Although I guess that doesn't mean that there are aspects that I would like changed.

57. Do you dye your hair?
Not so much anymore. I sometimes have the urge to dye my hair wicked-witch-blackest-black but I end up looking like Brian Molko. I used to have a blonde chunk in my fringe and before that blonde tips which were intermittently dyed pink and on one disasterous occasion, green.

58. Does anyone like you?
In a that nudge-nudge-wink-wink way? Sadly, not as far as I know.

59. What year were you born?
Nineteen eighty-three.

60. What were you doing May of 1994?
I was finishing primary school and having a fall-out with my then-best-friend.

61. Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
Yes, exactly four. One album and three singles.

62. McDonald's or Wendy's?
McDonald's. But again, it's an option that you inevitably regret afterwards.

63. Do you like yourself?
Yes. I'm quite the catch.

64. Are you closer to your mother or father?
When I was younger, it was my mother because my dad worked long hours and had to come home and be stern pater which scared me. Now, it's reversed and I get along better with my father which isn't to say that I don't get along with mater.

65. Favorite feature of the opposite sex?
Ah, it doesn't take much to please me. Just give me a lovely boy who can make me laugh and is smart and is willing to put up with my inane chatter about pop culture and I'm happy. I find that asking a boy who his favourite member of Girls Aloud is rather telling. As much as I heart Tweedy, I would want the kind of boy who finds the less obvious charms of Nicola or Kimberly more alluring. But if we're being superficial we can include: decent haircut, some semblance of sartorial awareness and nice eyes. Even more shallow and vacuous? Bums.

66. Are you afraid of the dark?
It depends. When I was younger I was. Now I prefer sleeping in as dark a room as possible. However, I do get a little wigged out when going up the stairs in darkness and I have to switch off the corridor light and run like fury to my room. I get scared in dark alleys. Not that I spend a huge proportion of my time hanging around dubious looking, ill-lit streets.

67. Have you ever eaten paste?
Yes. I ate some icing paste when I made a cake for someone a while ago. Mmm, yummy red sugary goodness. Also in Bratislava, the waitress brought out a nubbin of brownish paste on a plate for me to spread on the complimentary bread. To this day I don't know what it was but it tasted like a sawdust-y cow.

68. Do you have a webcam?
No.

69. Have you ever stripped?
I'm intrigued - who answers 'no' to this question? But if you mean in a chicka-chicka-bow way, then no.

70. Name all the places you have gone to for vacation:
Wales, Hastings, Sheffield, Windsor, The Netherlands, Germany, Sicily, France, Turkey, Greece, Hong Kong, Poland, Hungary, Slovakia, Croatia, Austria.

All of which leads neatly onto the promised...

'What I Did On My Holidays' bit

Part I: Warsaw

So, an inhumanely early start on Bank Holiday Monday, up at 3am to make the 7am check-in time at Gatwick. Having booked our tickets on the British Airways website, we get to use the super-efficient self-check in machines. It's amazing how impressed I am by anything with a touch screen. By the time we're all done changing currency and getting rid of our bags, we have an extravagant breakfast in Giraffe. Whilst waiting for our boarding call we spy a man who looks suspiciously like a Eastern bloc native. He is sporting the somewhat giveaway outfit of purple shellsuit bottoms teamed with Hi-Tec trainers and a chunky-knit jumper. Shortly after espying our new friend, he proceeds to take off his socks and trainers and do some very vigorous exercises. One of which includes him lying face up on the bench and enthusiastically thrusting his hips up and down in a rather disconcerting manner. Thankfully he wasn't on our flight but unfortunately I make the mistake of accepting a cheese sandwich and after one bite, I immediately regret it.



A mere two hours later, we arrive in Warsaw airport and we are greeted enthusiastically by various family members. We are whisked off to the centre of Warsaw to meet Jadzia, our tour guide for the city. After being fed sandwiches with a high pickled vegetable content she takes us on a little trip to the pretty Wilanow Palace and Park on the outskirts of the city.

The palace is very much modelled on the style of the French court with its immaculately manicured botanical gardens and the ornate gilded furniture and eau-de-nil and blossom pink walls. Walking through the gates however, you are greeted by what looks like a French-palace-on-acid. The exterior has been restored to its original hue of eye-blisteringly bright buttercup yellow and teal. Anyway, after that little jaunt and the early flight, we're all thoroughly shattered and retire to our hotel for the night. As first through the door I bag the room with the double bed and in my excitement, I forget to take off my backpack before jumping on the bed which results in me doing my best beetle-on-its-back impression.

Anyway, the next day it's off to see the Royal Castle and after sampling a Polish breakfast (think lots of cold cuts and cheese and eggs drenched in mayonnaise), we catch a bus to the Old Town.

It's very quaint and picturesque and although it was rebuilt after the war, it doesn't feel like a reconstructed tourist trap. The market square is ringed by little pretty colourful townhouses, most of which feature intricate geometric patterns and mythological carved images. The exterior of the Royal Castle itself is a mishmash of architectural styles, a neo-gothic wing stands next to a French Court style wing. The apartments are lavishly decorated, as can be expected, lots of gilded things, pretty little carriage clocks, Louis XIII furniture, chandeliers and ceiling murals. Still, it doesn't have the charm of the Wilanow Palace but it's all very impressive all the same (I know I'm easily impressed but a throne set against red velvet and a hundred silver eagles is hard to dismiss.)

We have a late lunch in Sekret, a underground restaurant serving Polish cuisine. The cellars that the restaurant itself is one of the remaining original bits of the Old Town that was left untouched by the war. The menu is comprised pretty much of traditional Polish tastes given a contemporary twist and served with a flourish. There's a worrying amount of rabbit and offal on the menu so I go down the safest route and opt for the cod loin which comes served with creamed cabbage and garnished with three boiled beetroots. Try as I might, I can't make my choice sound particularly appetising so you'll just have to take my word that it was delicious and I am now officially a convert to the charms of beetroot.

As Jadzia has work the next day we decide to let her get some rest and we head off to a nearby Jewish cemetary. By this time it's nearly sunset and I start getting the wiggins hanging around a cemetary, Jewish or not. So we repair to a nearby shopping centre and lose ourselves in the novelty of the Polish branches of Marks & Spencer, Sephora and H&M (which still has a few of the Stella McCartney pieces knocking about. It seems that the Poles are no fans of her masculine tailoring. Ho hum.) It's brie and nectarines for dinner and I wow the girls with my excellent Tom Cruise impression while we watch the German version of the E! channel.

Day three and we've got the morning to ourselves as Jadzia is at work. We make our way to Lazienski Park (getting a little lost enroute. It seems that the Polish 171 is as unreliable as the London one.) After wandering about mapless for a while we stumble upon the entrance to the park and we are immediately transported into a lush and verdant backdrop. Hopping bunnies, grazing deer and nodding bluebells would not look out of place here.

First on the agenda are the peacocks which we find by following a crowd of schoolchildren. Jess tries to antagonise the male peacock into spreading his plumage by throwing rocks near him. No such luck. We do however spy one nestling in the trees which apparently means that rain is on the way. We have a quick look at the pretty Palace On The Water which looks like something straight out of an Austen novel. We seek out the Chopin monument which lies at the end of a large ornamental lake and it looks especially impressive with all the cotton blowing about in the breeze. I secretly hope that Chopin's heart (which resides in Warsaw whilst his body is buried in Paris) is embedded in the monument. Again, no such luck, I don't know where his heart lies and it feels somewhat inappropriate to badger the other Chopin admirers at the lake.

By now it's 1pm and we're scheduled to meet Jadzia at the Centre for Contemporary Art which is housed in Ujadowski Castle. It is also unfortunately raining torrentially so I am forced to break out my Kag In A Bag. I am a heavenly vision in salmon pink waterproofs. The gallery itself is tiny considering it's in a castle and most of the stuff is postmodern and/or postcolonial installation type stuff. I hit my first museum gift shop and happily chance upon some saucy lady Mata Hari style postcards. It's off to have lunch at Jadzia's office canteen which is found in a slick steel and glass building - home to the Polish headquarters of Schweppes Coca-Cola, Glaxo-Kline and Disney (i.e. EvilCorp, Inc.) before heading to the central rail station to purchase our tickets to Krakow.

We pay the nearby Palace of Culture & Science a visit for the view from the 30th floor. The palace was a gift from Stalinist Russia in 1955 which prompts all inhabitants we meet to spit on the ground with it's alleged ugliness. In reality, it's just another imposing concrete eyesore which isn't particularly distinguishable from Warsaw's grey and industrial cityscape. However, the view of the city from the palace is impressive even with the overcast skies and the force 9 gales. FACT: The lift up to the 30th floor of the palace goes at an ear-popping six metres per second. Anyway, after all that gallivanting about we're all hankering after our beds and more Polish television, so we get a tram back to our hotel to pack as it's our last night in Warsaw already.

Day four and we only have the morning in Warsaw as our train is at 2pm. We manage to crowbar in some last minute sightseeing by walking to the nearby Saski Park to see the Unknown Soldier memorial monument. The fires in the monument are manned twenty-four hours a day by two soldiers. On the way to the Pope John Paul II collection (which was actually a gift to the Pope from a wealthy art-collector couple) we pass the grand Opera House and also the Polish meridian line. Before we leave for the train station, Jadzia feeds us an extravagant four-course lunch (by course two I'm feeling sick already and cursing the minimal decor for leaving no nook or cranny to hide the excess food.) A taxi to the train station and by 2pm we're waving goodbye to our kind host and on our way to Krakow in an old-fashioned train carriage, straight out of a Hitchcock film.